in the end, i would still need to rely on this blog

23/4/2026

After such a long duration, the feeling comes and go. But this time the feeling stayed for longer, after liquidation of the main company, i find myself trap in this new restaurant again. And what is an easy fix, turns into a shit struggle.

Im finding myself less and less patience, and more and more easily angered, the feeling of emptiness and doesnt want to be here anymore, existence is just an nuisance, im finding ways to get a motivation of a target and stop thinking negatively, but it all ends in vein, im trying to keep myself together while the inner is crumbling away. I dare not to talk to anyone about this, but i must find a way to push it out.

The feeling in my brain is getting worsen day by day, cooking and eating food no longer can help me run away from the stupid feeling in my brain, wanting to decide the ultimate outcome of myself. Getting less sleep now due to the restaurant, but also, my wife, couldn't give her what she wants and slowly im trying to avoid and trying to run away again, but this time is not a simple vanish that could do the trick.

Everyday and night, seeing as time passes, and knowing that its all unobtainable back hours and days. What will the end be like, and what will i do when i go into another breakdown. I can never think about it. Too dangerous to view it directly. 

The feeling is much stronger now, compared to all my years combined, it is more real and the stress is unbearable.